Relax, Everyones Watching

I’m reluctant to write anything remotely soul-revealing and post it online. Everyone’s always supposed to be happy, all the time and nothing bad ever happens because we’re all just so strong, and the rest of the time there’s LiveJournal. I’m not unhappy, but I’m not happy. I’m just around right now. More importantly I just felt like it was time to write something that didn’t make me sound like a robot. What, with such cerebral titles as “SOHO Cloud Cache”, “Rogers DNS Hijacking”, “Supernerd Geek Moment”, and my personal favourite “Data Transparency and Queries” I’m surprised so many people pay attention.

Circumstances being what they are, I haven’t been comfortable for quite some time. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a good thing. But sometimes I feel like a goddamned mini-wheats commercial (How’s that for bad analogies?). The kid in me loves the adventure of pushing the envelope, and trying new things, while the Adult in me just wants a steady paying job and a place I can call home for a few years. But just like any cereal not covered in sugar, the safe side is usually goddamned boring.

Previous experience has taught me well. Anything worth doing won’t be easy, and easy things are rarely worth doing. School, Travel, Adventure, Relationships. The tough things are the ones that resonate and define you and the easy things? Well they were just distractions. Sometimes things pile up and it’s a little overwhelming. When do you get to just chillthefuckout? What’s the line between foolishness and ambition, and when do you chase after something without question? Do you fight for Love or cherish Love lost? It’s important to know people that make you feel truly comfortable, at ease and happy in each others presence. Attempts to draw on previous experience are proving to be futile.

I’m losing someone important to me soon. The fact that it’s on a calendar doesn’t help I don’t think. Perhaps sudden departure would be better. There’s no bad blood, no fight, no real reason other than an unfortunate set of circumstances, which if they didn’t exist would mean a completely different reality. Part of the problem is probably because I ask too many questions, and postulate too many possibilities – ‘What ifs?’

What exercise or elixir shall ease this relentless emotional curiosity?

This entry was posted on Monday, October 20th, 2008 at 8:25 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any comments to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a comment, or trackback from your own site.

  • http://bmann.livejournal.com Boris

    I hear you on the LiveJournal aspect. Nothing is set in stone, and things that are meant to be, will be.

    I’m totally going to go live on a boat….

  • http://hummingbird604.com Raul

    Trevor,

    A while ago you commended me for being able to open myself on my blog and pour my soul and heart there. I must do the same for you now. It’s great that you are able to ask the tough questions to the broader audience that you reach on your blog.

    Now, on to the easing of the relentless emotional curiosity. I once, too, lost someone to distance. When he was about to leave, we both said “let’s just enjoy the moment for what it is”. It didn’t help, but it kept the both of us sane.

    I’ll suggest what I did – just enjoy being in the “now”. I know it sounds childish, I know it sounds somewhat self-absorbed. But it works, and the most important thing is – no matter how many questions you ask yourself, you will only be able to recognize the answer, not when the answer is right in front of you, but when you are able to accept the answer.

    Sometimes, the answer is, as I said, right in front of us (e.g. we have already thought out all the possibilities and have chosen one right path for us) but we “can’t see it” because we don’t WANT to see it. I am not saying that’s your case, but it may be one possibility.

    Best of luck.

  • ANON

    My advice:

    Life is short, and the mere presence of fate as an unstoppable force pulling strings is uncertain. Time and space are fabrications of humanity, as are careers, education, social stigma, and the borders we travel. Love, however, is felt with the soul and unique to each individual. Love is REAL. Love should always trump the creations of humanity throughout life, and love is the only comfort we seek in the end.
    The comfort of fate assures many of us that we’re not faced with decision, when most certainly we are. Fate assures us that factors such as time and space govern love. Don’t allow this to happen. Follow your heart Trev, wherever it takes you, because it produces the only decisions that one can never regret because the reasoning is REAL. Never be fooled that the force which is least visible is least important.

    I’ve posted this anonymously because I think it’s important for you to consider the words rather than the source.